This story is fodder for a soap opera. Skip this post if you don't like soaps.
My daughter had an on-again, off-again friendship with a South American friend (C). They were on in the fall of 2000. C approached my daughter and asked her to marry one of her brothers so he could be in this country legally. One of them (R) was in the country with an expired visa and false id. The other (L) was, at that time, a dealer on a cruise ship. The ship was to dock in San Diego and the crew had several hours leave. My daughter offered to take C and R to San Diego so they could visit L. It must have been lovely as L called my daughter from the next port of call begging her to fly to Mexico to meet him when he was to have 13 hours leave. How romantic? He paid for the ticket. Who wouldn't have been swept off their feet by this? It was like a movie. Of course, the sub-text was that the $600 he paid for the ticket was money he was supposed to send to his mother for her (and his youngest brother's) support. She went. L was charming, attentive and fun. Two ports later he called her to say that he couldn't face life without her and wanted to be by her side. Both my daughter and C tried to talk him out of quitting...to no avail. He did jump ship at the next port and fly to LA to spend the next 90 days (with a visitor visa) romancing (and sponging off of) my daughter. (She had high paying but stressful job.)
As it turns out, her "clock" was ticking. She was ready to be married and have babies. So, when L proposed it was a dream for her. She was madly in love. At the end of 90 days, L returned to S.A. to live with his mother. Of course, by that time they were in dire straights as his mother did need his salary to survive. Not long after he arrived there, my daughter got the call..."we are starving. we only have rice and mayonnaise to eat." What's a mother to do? I wired $100 so my daughter's fiancee and family could eat.
My daughter spared no energy or money (hired a lawyer) to move the system so L could come back and marry her. In April 2001, the knot was tied.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Where we are
I want to capture the agony of where we currently are in the process and then go back to the beginning. None of what has happened makes sense to me. Maybe a reader will have a way to help me understand.
My daughter is in jeopardy of losing her child. Why? Because we believe her father touched her inappropriately, my daughter filed a motion with the court for supervised visits. This quickly became a stream of vicious, adversarial charges against my daughter as her father denys any inappropriate behavior and has a team of lawyers to lead the charge. (More on the team later.) An "objective" Confidential Family Investigator (CFI) was hired to investigate the allegations so she could advise the court. She has concluded before completing her investigation that no abuse occured. And she has said (to the court) that the only problem is that A'ilana doesn't know her father loves her. If the latter is deemed by the court to be true, then the father's contention that since he has done nothing wrong, the reason A'ilana rejects him is because her mother (and I) have poisened her...alienated her from him...in which case he should have custody.
Thankfully, sweet A'ilana is not aware of this potentiality. I can not adequately describe my emotional state...fear, anger, confusion...as I worry for my daughter and grand daughter. What would we do? It is too horrible to contemplate and must not happen.
My daughter is in jeopardy of losing her child. Why? Because we believe her father touched her inappropriately, my daughter filed a motion with the court for supervised visits. This quickly became a stream of vicious, adversarial charges against my daughter as her father denys any inappropriate behavior and has a team of lawyers to lead the charge. (More on the team later.) An "objective" Confidential Family Investigator (CFI) was hired to investigate the allegations so she could advise the court. She has concluded before completing her investigation that no abuse occured. And she has said (to the court) that the only problem is that A'ilana doesn't know her father loves her. If the latter is deemed by the court to be true, then the father's contention that since he has done nothing wrong, the reason A'ilana rejects him is because her mother (and I) have poisened her...alienated her from him...in which case he should have custody.
Thankfully, sweet A'ilana is not aware of this potentiality. I can not adequately describe my emotional state...fear, anger, confusion...as I worry for my daughter and grand daughter. What would we do? It is too horrible to contemplate and must not happen.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Why this blog?
As a young person, I kept a diary. One day I realized my father had read it and was horribly embarrassed. I've wondered recently why anyone would put their personal, intimate and possibly painful, thoughts on the web for the world to see. Frankly, I'm not sure why I'm doing this now except that I feel a powerful need to document my experience as peripheral participant in my daughter's efforts to protect her child within a legal system that seems to be more interested in protecting the perpetrator than in hearing one little girl's truth. I know there are others with similar experiences...maybe we can give support to one another.
I ask forbearance in advance of anyone reading this story. It is likely to be more of an emotional stream of consciousness than logical, chronology.
What would you do if you suspected that your child was being touched inappropriately? What signals do you see or hear that cause you to suspect something is wrong? How long do you wait? Who do you tell? Who can help? What do you do?
No one wants to believe this is happening. Abuse destroys the person who might have been. Confronting the abuser is a terrible process. Telling the authorities is the hardest of all; they are trained to be skeptical and treat the disclosure as a salvo in a larger plot to destroy the abuser. Who, after all, will believe a 4 year old child?
I ask forbearance in advance of anyone reading this story. It is likely to be more of an emotional stream of consciousness than logical, chronology.
What would you do if you suspected that your child was being touched inappropriately? What signals do you see or hear that cause you to suspect something is wrong? How long do you wait? Who do you tell? Who can help? What do you do?
No one wants to believe this is happening. Abuse destroys the person who might have been. Confronting the abuser is a terrible process. Telling the authorities is the hardest of all; they are trained to be skeptical and treat the disclosure as a salvo in a larger plot to destroy the abuser. Who, after all, will believe a 4 year old child?
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